3 weeks and counting....

August 4th will be a bittersweet day. It will be the day that I will start my journey back out to Utah. Despite my somewhat sad and depressing posts the last year and a half, not to mention my negative attitude about the people in Cleveland, it might surprise you that I am actually extremely sad to leave. After all, I will be leaving a place that I have grown to love. I love watching the leaves change in the fall, I absolutely LOVE the old houses that are found in my neighborhood, I love my job and all the people that I work with, I love feeling like I can take care of myself, and most of all I love the people that I have met and the friends that I have made. I know that I have seriously undermined their importance in my life, and I just pray that I have not hurt any of their feelings in doing so. Cleveland is my home, I know where the grocery stores are, and where to find the cheapest gas. I know how much to buy at the grocery store and when to buy it. I know what my schedule will be like week after week and have a routine for going to the gym. For the first time in my life I have settled down and have made Cleveland my home.

In everybody's life there is always a place where they can look back and think, "Man, I sure did a lot of growing up here." Whether it's the cabin you went to every summer, or that year in college when the real world came knocking and you realized that you were no longer the care-free teenager who only had to worry about what boys liked her and what she was going to wear to school the next day. One day when I look back and think, "When did I become an adult?" I will remember that the process started in Cleveland. That is where I learned how to find an apartment to live in and set up the gas and electricity in that apartment. I learned how to juggle the demands of work, church, and social life, and to budget my money. I learned how many decorations, appliances, furniture, linens, etc are actually needed to fill an apartment and I learned how to successfully navigate myself around the ghetto. Most importantly I learned who I am, what motivates me, my discourages me, what hurts me, and what makes me happy.

Yes, August 4th will be a bittersweet day, I will be packing up my car with everything I own (hopefully it will not get stolen this time) and driving to MN while singing at the top of my longs to this song by Jerrod Niemann

And of course this one too!!

Being a tourist in your town...

In an effort to bring more positive words of affirmation into my life and enjoy some chocolate while I was at it, I decided to by a bag of Dove chocolate. After a particularly rough weekend, this is the encouragement that I received today:

 

Which is exactly what I have been trying to do the last couple months.

 In an effort to experience all that Cleveland has to offer I decided to start "seize the day" movement. Many of you will remember my "Cleveland Bucket List"   Here are some of the highlights from my last few moments in Cleveland.

From L to R:
1. Heartthrob ball: I have had several opportunities to dress up and go to a fancy event for work. The Heartthrob ball is a fundraiser where 3 kids from the Children's hospital are chosen as Courage award winners and spotlighted at this gala. These are kids who have shown courage in their surgeries, treatment, or therapy. They are kids who have overcome great odds and are still smiling at the end. One of the Courage award nominees is a young man that I work with in the dialysis unit, so I was able to go to this $250/plate or $5,000 dollar table  to support him. I did not pay for the table, of course, it was just one of the perks of working in a department that had a Courage award winner. It was amazing, unlike anything I have ever experienced before. I pulled up to a red carpet, the valet took my car, and I was ushered downstairs to enjoy cocktails before the event started. The event itself was something else, the tables were eloquently decorated, the women were in evening gowns, the men in tuxedos. Absolutely breathtaking! Watch the first one... but I will warn you, you many need a box of tissues. Courageous Kids

2. E. 4th, a favorite local place to dine.

3. My first country concert with a group of girls from work. Kip Moore was preforming at a local restaurant. This was a huge moment for me.... I broke free of my rigid Wednesday routine, skipped the gym, and ordered pizza for dinner at 9 o clock at night.

4. Dinner in Ohio City with Suzie and Jack.

5. Posing for my first 5k in front of the West side Market.

6. The Kirtland Temple: What an amazing experience I have had to have been able to attend multiple church services in the Kirtland Temple. One man gave a powerful and moving talk there about his ancestors who helped to build the temple, and how they were put in Ohio for a reason. It is as true then as it is now. Everybody that I have met while here in Ohio has been for a reason, and I have been able to learn and grow from each person. It is no coincidence that I ended up in Ohio, or that those I have met have ended up in Ohio, there is a greater purpose for our paths crossing.

7. Saigon, a yummy restaurant we ate at on E.4th.

With a little under 3 weeks left and a packed agenda I have triaged the must do activities and have narrowed it down to just a handful of pictures/activities:
 1. Go tour the Christmas story house
2. Take pictures from the CC rooftop, East Cleveland, west side market, and Cleveland skyline.
3. See the sun set over Lake Erie

Thank you to all my friends who have helped make my bucket list possible. I have loved spending time with all of you and will miss you dearly when I go out to Utah.

One is the Loneliest Number

Cleveland has taught me many lessons... one of which is how to be alone. Now I'm not talking about the occasional loneliness one might feel for a day or two when they are surrounded by family and friends but are having a difficult time connecting and relating to those around them. I am talking about coming home to an empty apartment day after day, spending countless hours, days, weeks, and months with casual acquaintances you say "hello" to at church and occasionally spend a night out but are not emotionally invested in each others lives. I'm talking about touring the town by yourself because you asked the two people you knew might say yes and they already have plans. The loneliness you feel when you do not want to leave church because you know that when you get home you will be greeted to an empty apartment and will be forced to eat yet another meal by yourself. Dreading holidays because you do not  have the 8 hours of work to distract you from being alone and you realize that all your "friends" are cooking out while you are eating take out Thai food while sitting on your balcony. The loneliness you feel when you need to move and you realize that you have to ask for help and the limited number of people you know are too busy to help you. The loneliness that makes you afraid to leave your house because you wonder what happens if you might end up missing, hurt, or dead someday because nobody would know for days or weeks because you do not have anyone to check in on you.

In my 24 years of life this is the first time I have truly been alone and what a learning experience it has been! Regardless of what my relationship is with my family, I at least had them for the first 18 years of my life, then there were roommates and friends throughout college, the other teachers in China, friends and teachers in Moab, and somebody was always there to talk about the day at 7 Kailuana Pl in Hawaii. (Now this is not to negate the wonderful co-workers and the few friends I have made here in Cleveland and Akron, because they have been wonderful to me, but I do not come home to them and they have their own families and friends to spend their free time with. During this time alone I have developed a list of lessons I have learned about being alone:

1. Having somebody say "Hello" to you is such a simple thing but the moment it is taken from your life for 15 months you realize how significant it really is.
2. Cooking dinner is much less enjoyable if you are going to be the only one eating it.
3. Funny moments become much less funny when you are the only one there to laugh about it.
4. Friday nights just are not the same because there is nobody to sit and eat out of the ice cream container while watching a girly movie.
5.Sight seeing is much less interesting when you have no one to say, "Oh my gosh, look at that" too.
6. Unless you are willing to be seen eating out by yourself, you waste the first 15 months of your time in Cleveland not enjoying the local restaurants.
8. Inside jokes no longer become funny if you are the only one who gets it.
9. Cleaning the apartment becomes much less fun if you do not have anyone to sing with you to 90's pop
10. Holidays are the absolute worst.... no seriously try sitting at home when the weather is nice, knowing you could be grilling out if only you had somebody to do it with.
11. Late night trips to the grocery store are not filled with as much laughter.
13. TV shows and movies loose their appeal if you are the only one laughing and quoting the funny one-liners"
14. You have nobody to witness you doing the "I am trying to zip up my zipper on my dress dance" and then eventually help you.
15. There is nobody to tell you that the outfit you just bought is actually unflattering and no longer in style.
16. Having crush's on boys is no longer enjoyable if you have nobody to share that information with.

Anyways I'm sure there will be more added eventually.... but this is a pretty good start. 

Life has a way of surprising you...

Due to fear of change I have put off publishing the following information as long as possible, thinking if I did not tell people that it would not be real. But I think it is probably time to come out of the closet and publicly announce (to the 2 of you who regularly read this) that I am moving back Salt Lake City. Yes, you heard me right, I am moving back to the land where the girls poof their hair, and the guys scope out the ward list for potential girlfriends.
Confused? Bewildered? Wondering how it happened? So am I? According to my last post I had come to terms with living in Cleveland, and was actually happy here. Despite all my tears and lonely nights, I have learned how to be by myself, I made friends with the people that I worked with, I became good at my job, and after months of trying to find my place in Cleveland, I found my niche in Akron and had developed a solid group of friends. So what would posses me to uproot myself from such a comfortable position to move into the great unknown... the answer: I'm not sure.... but I'm sure the answer will slowly be unraveled one day at time, I do know that there were a series of tender mercies that led me to this decision, many of which happened years ago while I was in college.

Here is a youtube video for the camp that I will be working for. The official position is Program Coordinator and is a mix of hands on program implementation and administrative duties.

Although Cleveland is a strange place to live and has many quirks I do not want to leave Cleveland with any regrets so I made a "bucket list" of places I want to go and pictures that I want to take before I leave. I'm sure the list will grow, but these are the easy
1. Take a picture at the Rock and Roll hall of fame/Lake Erie (6/10/2012)

2. Tour the Christmas Story House
3. Ride the RTA from Warrensville to downtown
4. Take a picture from the rooftop of Cleveland Clinic
5. Tour Kirtland (5/2012)

6. Take a picture in East Cleveland
7. Attend Catholic wedding (4/21/2012)
8. Attend Indians Game (one too many times)
9. See a pro-football game (Fall 2011)
10. Go to the Aurora outlets (5/12/2012)
11. Eat in Tremont, E. 4, Ohio City, and Little Italy (Various days)
12. Take a picture at the Westside Market
13. Go to the John Johnson farm (February 2012)
14. Go to church in the Kirtland temple (5/2011, 1/2012, 4/2012, 5/2012)
15. Take a picture at E. 105 and Euclid, first pedestrian stop sign)
16. See the sun set over Lake Erie


 And just for good measure here are some videos or songs about Cleveland that make me giggle.

Shh.... I have something to tell you

It's a secret, do you promise not to tell anyone?

Ok, here it is I secretly love Ohio. Yes you heard me correctly, this place that I have pretended to detest for the past 13 months has slowly found its way into my heart. As I have spent many countless nights and days feeling completely and utterly alone, I have come to the realization that this time I am spending in Ohio is a time to discover and learn about the working world, relationships, and myself. The growth I have experienced due to uncomfortable, awkward, and often challenging situations have been just as life changing as any other major turning point in my life (all though it has not been as fun as China or Spring Summit). And while leaving the comfort zone is not enjoyable the growth I have experienced from the uncomfortableness of it is a necessity of life (and much like my Mormon speed dating experience it is much better experienced just once in your life.)

The year 2012 has been much kinder to me than 2011 (which tends to happen when your belongings do not get stolen as you move across the country in the second month of the year).  After spending many unhappy months and lots of tears trying to fit in at church, I decided to shake it up a little bit and try the young single adult branch in Akron (same religion, different people).**Disclaimer: I am not saying there are not wonderful people that are in Cleveland branch, because they are amazing people, it just was not a good fit for me at this point in my life.** Not only has the 45 minute drive been a huge blessing as it has given me time to reflect on what I should be doing with my life but the people I have met there have filled a gap in my heart that has been present since the moment I said good-bye to my dear, sweet, friends in Utah. I have a long way to go before my confidence and self-worth are at the level they were several years ago, but with a few encouraging words from those I love and a few listens to "Firework" by Katy Perry, I will be well on my way. I feel like a completely different "Tiffanee" than even just 3 months ago and I could not be happier!
 

How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights: After 12 months I can confidently say that have finally settled into routine, and as a person who thrives on routines I couldn't be happier. After moving across the country with almost nothing, starting a new job, becoming the relief society president, moving to a new apartment, getting my wisdom teeth surgically removed, road-tripping to Minnesota, and Virgina, realizing how busy things can get at the hospital at Christmas, and getting sick for 3 weeks I can say with 80% confidence that I am comfortable with my routine. I have been able to adjust to working 40 hour weeks, going to the gym, planning better meals, reading my scriptures, going to family home evening and institute, becoming more efficient at grocery shopping and still having time to relax. I couldn't feel more accomplished and proud of myself, partly due to the post Hawaii pounds that I put on, and partly because I feel more centered and in control of my life. My life feels less like a ball of chaos and more like an organized mess.

I realize this picture has nothing to do with this post but I felt as though another picture was needed and I realized I only have a handful of me in Ohio.. So there you go!

In miles: Between the two road trips to Virginia and Minnesota, the many trips to Columbus, and the many miles spent driving to church in Akron I have loved the time I have spent solo and with friends. There is nothing like a 9 hour road trip through the night to give you memories to last a life time.

In laughter: Unfortunately there has not been less of this and more of strife. Luckily there is technology and videos (and Facebook) to remind me of the wonderful memories I have been able to make. I love looking at pictures of me smiling, I love watching videos I made in college, where I almost pee my pants because I am laughing so hard (see video below). My goal for this year... laugh as hard, if not harder than I did in the video.


In strife: Living in Ohio has not been the easiest, it is much like a roller coaster ride. At times it is fun, at times it makes you laugh, at times it makes you angry, at times it scares the crap out of you, and at times it makes you cry. It doesn't help that I had a rocky start, after experiencing the 7 stages of grief due to the loss of my car and all of my belongings, I have finally reached the upward stage. I have begun to work through my emotions and start reconstructing my life. I have accepted the fact that there are some of my belongings (ie: my journals and letters) that I will never get back. As part of reconstructing my life I have started to re-write those memories. The hours I have spent writing those precious memories has actually been a wonderful blessing. I have been reminded of the changes and decisions that I have made in my life that have brought me here. I still cry when my friends across the country tell me that they love me, or the miss me, I still cry when I go to church and sit by myself, and I still cry for no apparent reason at all.

Again this picture has nothing to do with this post but I felt as though another picture was needed!

 **Just as a side note this day also marks the 5 year anniversary of leaving for Kunming, China. I can't believe how fast time has gone and how much I have changed because of that experience. **

You gotta fall in order to mend.

After 11 months full of ups and downs I have finally begun to re-write the memories I lost when my journals were stolen. Trying to recall important events that have happened over the last 3 years has been no easy task. My nights have been full of emotional highs and lows as I remember the happy moments, the sad moments, the tough moments, and the lonely moments. This walk down memory lane has led me to re-read my blog posts from the previous year. I started with the post on Jan. 31, 2011 (a year ago today) with finding out I was moving to Cleveland, Ohio and moved to the emotional post of the stolen car, and then the lonely tales of living in Cleveland. The post on culture shock was particularly interesting. And while I don't (and probably won't ever) consider Cleveland my home I no longer experience feelings of anger, anxiety, disgust, and irritation or have irrational mood swings. I still cherish the memories that I have made in places such as China, Hawaii, and Moab but have come to realize that I need to live in the moment and not continue to have one foot in the past.

There are still those hours, days, and months that I just need something to give me a glimmer of hope.... and I have found it in this song! While I'm sure that the words are eluding to some sort of love story I'm pretending to be oblivious. I generally shy away from sharing lyrics to songs but I think today I will make an exception. I love the verse that says

"It's a brand new day The sun is shinning It's a brand new day For the first time In such a long long time I know I'll be ok"