This morning I rolled out of bed, worked on a pinterest craft project for several hours, filed papers, went through pictures for work, deleted files from when my computer crashed 2 years ago, watched 3 movies, countless TV episodes, and never left my pj's, put on a bra, or brushed my teeth. Some may call that a "lazy" day or unproductive... I call it a much needed "Tiffanee" day. The last time I I had a day where I didn't have grown up responsibilities to attend to, family to visit, or social events that required my presence, was back in March (if not earlier!!). You might be wondering "what in the blazes have you been doing with your time"... and this blog post is precisely the answer to that question.
Summer camp season is in full swing. Supervising 29 staff members, 55-60 campers, life guarding, and facilitating the ropes course has taken over my life (in a very positive way). Despite all the politics and drama that goes on behind the scenes due to my administrative duties, I absolutely LOVE my job. There are countless examples of campers who have touched my heart with their smile and laughter as they participate in activities that the world tells them they are "unable to participate in." Seeing the potential of these sweet individuals is why I continue to work at a job that requires so much of my time and energy.
My only family in Utah moved to Montana last week (BOO!!!). So I spent a great deal of time in May and June soaking up every moment with this guy.
I took 2 of the interns to hike Mt. Olympus. I didn't think it was possible but I think I am in LESS shape than I was last year when I climbed it. I did not remember it being that hard.... but we made it (after a few freak out moments by everybody involved).
I also ran a color 5K. YOLO right? Mel, Val, and Emmit drove down from Vernal just for this race.
And it wouldn't be summer if camping wasn't involved. I absolutely love camping, and I love the group that went (all staff from Camp K). So grateful for my adventures in Moab for a. teaching me how to camp, b. teaching me the joys of "truth or dare", and c. teaching me how to effectively steam roll people. (pictures to come).
I have also had many "moments" the last couple months. Life in Utah has not been a walk in the park, especially thanks to my job. I have often wondered "why", why did I have to move here if things weren't going to be easier, why did I have to move from such a stable job that I loved, to such an unstable job that is much more demanding, and the million dollar question- when is it going to feel like I am not swimming upstream with bricks around me neck anymore. It feels like ever since the moment my car/belongings were stolen I have had to go through struggle after struggle after struggle. It's hard to read comments on my facebook pictures like, "you look so happy", or "that is the Tiffanee that I remember," because at times I still feel as empty, lost, and alone as I did in Cleveland. But I also love reading those comments as well because at times I feel like me again, the me that would act silly in front of others, the me that would make witty, sarcastic remarks, the me that was confident and didn't care what others thought. I pinned these two quotes on pinterest that I felt like really encapsulated my feelings (and I hope with every fiber of my being that they are true):
Several weeks ago I was ready to pick up and move to the next adventure, trying to delude myself into thinking that things would be different, that I would have more friends, a better job, it would be less work to go to church, etc... Luckily I have an amazing friend here that has known me for 7 years. He has been there for me from the time my car has gotten stolen to just a few days ago when I had a breakdown after a major catastrophe happened at work. Two weeks ago I was driving past his house on my way home from work and I felt like I should stop and say "hi." The lights were off at his house so I continued to drive, telling myself it was a stupid idea, he was probably in bed, and if he wasn't in bed he definitely wouldn't want to talk to me that late at night. I quickly stopped the negative self talk and called him- figuring that he would say "no" if he didn't want to see me. He obviously invited me in and what ensued was a 2 hour unplanned conversation where he helped me see the flaws in some of my cognitive framework. He helped me realize that moving is not a band-aid for my troubles. Yes, it will work for a few weeks but after that I will still feel lonely, I will still have hard days at my job, I will still feel unsettled. The best thing to do at this point in my life is to stay in one place, try to make new friends, reach out to others, and make the best of the situation that you are in. So whether you like it or not Utah, I am here, through the good days and bad. Through the days I feel like I have a million friends, and the days I feel like I have none. Until I feel a huge push from the Lord to move else where I am here to became a better version of the "Tiffanee" I remember from college. And I am making good progress, just look at the pictures above. Although you won't see the emotional wounds that haven't healed yet, the pain and loneliness left by years of hurt from those closest to me, the wounds of insecurity and fear. You will see the happiness in my smile, the happiness that comes from having a roommate that is always there for me, friends who accept me for who I am and not who I should be, and a job that helps me become more confident every day and leaves me with so much joy in my heart there are days that I feel like my life cannot get any better.